(Also published on Bible.com)
I had no idea how hard it would be to lose someone you love – in stages. It’s like they’re already gone…but they’re not. I always envisioned my dear mom going suddenly by a stroke or heart attack. What a shock when her doctor recommended hospice! Watching her decline steadily was heartbreaking, and the gradual goodbye was physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. Here are some things I learned as I walked with her through that deep valley, thankfully led by our Good Shepherd and Savior.
Dealing with Reality
* There is no perfect way to do this.
* When we want to do more to help, maybe just being there is what they need most. “Just be the daughter/wife/etc.”
* Living every moment braced for THE phone call is exhausting, and alarming every time the phone rings.
* There is no way to plan this. It’s tough not knowing what’s coming or when. We will have to cancel and reschedule a lot.
* The deepest peace comes from knowing they (and we) have believed and received Jesus as our Savior.
* It’s okay and necessary to take breaks without feeling guilty. Get away. Try to rest and regroup.
* Sometimes we feel pressured to prove our love, and wonder if we should be doing more. Pretty sure they know by now that we love them, and we don’t need to convince onlookers.
* Remember that taking care of our own needs during this time is not selfish. It’s vital!
* They will likely be able to hear us even if they can’t respond. Read to them as much as we can from God’s Word to supernaturally comfort them and touch their soul.
* Floods of memories will come. Share those we can with them, and cherish the others.
Processing the Pain
* Surprise waves of grief will overtake us. Let it flow.
* Even if it was a dysfunctional or imperfect relationship (most are) we still grieve.
* We don’t realize how much grief is pent up in our gut until we get alone and let it out. We need to wail. Often.
* As I wrote in the book Goodbye for Now, “Comfort is not the removal of pain, but it is knowing that with the Lord everything is going to be all right.”
* We grieve all over again with each new downward change.
* It’s okay to let them see our tears.
* Celebrate the moments of hope, like realizing in heaven they will no longer need pain meds, wheelchairs or doctors!
* Balance deep emotional releases (weeping and wailing) with breaks such as being busy (cleaning out closets, paying bills, etc.) There is a time for both.
* There are two kinds of sorrow: those who have no hope, and those of us who do.
* It’s okay for me to let go.
Relying on God
* When we feel responsible and helpless, hear the Lord whispering to us, “The one you love is Mine.”
* We don’t have to like it, or understand it. Trust God and love Him.
* When people say, “Be strong…” it doesn’t mean we can’t hurt or wobble during the struggle, but to find our strength in the Lord. This is not just a physical but also a spiritual battle.
* The more we fill our mind and heart with God’s promises, the easier it is to go on.
* When we wonder why the Lord doesn’t just take them now and avoid further suffering, stay open to all He is doing that we can’t see. Trust His wise and loving plan, and His perfect timing.
* Keep your heart open to the special love messages from the Lord to you. Listen for your Shepherd’s voice.
* Tell them that when Jesus comes to get them, it’s okay. Go with Him, and we will meet them there.
* We may not be able to be with them at the exact moment they go, and that’s okay. The most important thing we can do is to walk with them as far as we can through the valley, and lovingly usher them into the presence of Jesus.
….and there we will never again say goodbye.
“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” ~Psalm 23 (NKJV)
Find help preparing in advance, and guidance, comfort and hope in Goodbye for Now.
